Jokes about Stratton and Vermont
These jokes were overheard on the Stratton Gondola, in the Trailblazers ski school class and provided by Stratton condo and home owners and Southern Vermont residents. A few were from the young set. Many were from the older set (some from the Trailblazers, expecially Mark) were unprintable. So we're left with jokes for the very young or very old, and from some of us who are in between. We will try to add a new one each week in the ski season. Please send us a Vermont joke, if you would like us to post it, to strattoncondos@aol.com .) |
Bridge from Stratton to the Cape
A man, walking along a Stratton Mountain trail on snowshoes, was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man was thinking about the upcoming spring and said, "Build a bridge from Stratton to Wellfleet at the end of the Cape, so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to span the Vermont and New Hampshire mountains. The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Do you know that if Stratton theoretically turned all its snow making guns on it could pave a 10 foot wide road with a foot of snow from the base of the gondola to Wellfleet in five days. Then we wouldn't need a bridge ... just a sleigh. |
Never Argue With A Woman Who Reads
A couple from southern Vermont goes on vacation to a resort in northern Vermont. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, [thinking "Isn't it obvious?"]
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left. . . .
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Verify All E-Mail Addresses
A couple from Vermont decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. They rented the room from Thursday night on. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an email back in Vermont. However, he accidentally left out one letter in address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister, who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
Subject: To My Loving Wife, I've Arrived
You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is hot down here! |
The Vermonter and the NY Bank
A Vermonter walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he has to go to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Vermonter hands over the keys to a brand new Volvo convertible.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The loan officer is suspicious.
He calls Automobile International in N. Clarendon, Vt., and speaks to Celeste, the owner of the dealership where it was just purchased. Everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Vermonter for using a $53,000 Volvo as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Volvo into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Vermonter returns, all tan from a ski vacation at Wengen, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we further checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire, who owns a large house and horse farm in Dover. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Vermonter replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, The Vermonters... |
Vermonter's Diet
One cold winter night, a few southern Vermonters sat around and analyzed several studies to see what was the best diet to make it to the spring. They came to the following conclusions:
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(E) Conclusion: In Southern Vermont, you can eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. |
Stratton Almost Became German Speaking
In the sixties, when Stratton was being developed, the first decision was to have the architecture of all the homes have the same Swiss Austrain German mountain look. Then one evening, they almost went to far. After too many hot rum toddies, there was some discussion about making German the preferred language for the whole Stratton Mountain Resort area. However, in the end, the Vermont English speaking coalition won, but, they had to make some concessions. They agreed that English spelling had some room for improvement and they accepted a five-year phased plan for what was to be know as Stratton English (“Strenglish” for short). The plan was as follows:
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Vermont towns will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. |
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Two Elderly Ladies from Arlington
Two elderly ladies from Arlington had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, with the bitter cold winter, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ”Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?”
Old New Hampshire Farmer
A New Hampshire farmer, a widower who never paid much attention to his wife while she was alive, now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband...much happier! "
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
Old Herbert from Manchester
84 year old Herbert had a recent physical exam. He was walking down the street in Manchester with a very young and shapely woman on his arm when he met his Doctor. The Doc asked how he was doing.
Herbert answered that he was following the doctors instructions to "get a hot mama, be cheerful."
The Doc answered, "I told you, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful.' " |
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife from Londonderry were having problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. This had gone on for several weeks when the man realized he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 A.M. for an early flight to Colorado.
Not wanting to be the first one to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 A.M."
The next morning the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 A.M., and he had missed his flight to Copper Mountain, for a week of skiing with his friends. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper beside his bed. It said...in big bold, black print... "IT'S 5:00 A.M., WAKE UP!!!"
The Elderly Sisters from Sharon
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together just North of White River Junction. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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